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Saturday, January 19, 2019

Strength-I Need It!

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When 2019 hit, I wanted to find my OLW one. little. word.  I reflected...

For 2018, my "One Little Word" was "Focus".  I thought Focus fit me at the start of 2018.  I had new things to Focus on:

  • my mom (since my dad passed in August 2017)
  • my family (kids and hubby have needs to)
  • my personal life (getting fit)
  • and my career (Instructional Coach)
All of them tugged at me.  At times, I thought my core was breaking with all the ways the tugging pulled me.

New things happened:
  • my mom's health issues + dementia caused even more decline (hospital stays and surgery)
  • my kids growing up a freshman and a second grader
  • my fitness goals got going
  • my career path accelerated as I jumped into the role of Instructional Coach at The I Promise School
I felt more challenged than ever.  Life, although focused, drove me nearly insane with stress, worry, and nervousness.

Wondering:
  • Could I handle all the things my mom needed?
  • Would I be the best wife and mom while trying to be the best daughter too?
  • Should I be exercising more?
  • Could I be 100% in career work with all of this other need pulling on me too?
As 2018 neared to the end, I reflected.  And then, the way the last day of the year began, no one could have expected.  I got a phone call...

December 31, at 8:36, from Mulberry, "Hello Amy.  This is Dawn.  I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this (a voice inside of me was already screaming NOOO!) but your mom has passed."

"OH NO!" I cried out in disbelief.

"Sometime between 530am and 8am she passed in her sleep." 
I just started sobbing hysterically.  I felt grateful that her struggle had ended but crushed that her being here with us stopped.  My heart hurt so bad.  The last time I felt this pain happened on the day my dad passed too.  The moment his heart stopped and the monitor flat-lined.  I felt such agony and anger.  I felt dizzy with despair.  I leaned into my husband for a huge hug.  I wondered how I'd get through telling my family, my brothers, cousins, friends and co-workers.

None of it was easy.  I plowed through with moments of tears and exhaustion...

After a week or so had passed, I reflected more.

I thought about what I need to make my life better for 2019 and that's how I found my #OLW2019, STRENGTH.  I need it.  I need it to help fill in the gaping hole left in caring for my mom and adjusting and prioritizing what I need, family needs and my co-workers need.

STRENGTH is what I need for 2019.
 strength

         /streNG(k)TH/
             noun
  1.        the quality or state of being physically strong.

    "cycling can help you build up your strength"
      synonyms:powerbrawn, brawniness, muscle, muscularity, burliness,
    sturdiness, robustnesstoughnesshardiness

                  (Google Dictionary)

I am working every day to live strong spiritually, mentally and physically.  I believe that with the focus on strength, I will get through this tough time and be stronger on the other side.

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