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Tuesday, March 27, 2018

Day 27 A Voice that has Me on Edge

Thank you to Two Writing Teachers
for hosting the Slice of Life

My mom lives in a memory care facility.  She still knows how to use her cell phone and occasionally calls to chat.  I’m always on edge when she calls because I know these conversations won’t be easy...

The calls usually contain gibberish about mixed up times, places, and people-
cycle rinse repeat
cycle rinse repeat
cycle rinse repeat

Some days she remembers Dad passed
Some days she doesn’t

Some days she’s angry (i don’t like these days)
Some days she’s happy and laughing (like the mom I grew up with)

Most days she wants to come home (i feel sad when i hear this)
Because she can’t -it wouldn’t be safe!

Yesterday was no exception-she asked if i “sold The House?”
i can’t answer,
a tear comes to my eye,
i look up and there’s a hawk in the sky,
circling just like the conversation...
ready to attack!

i say, “oh my goodness look at that hawk!
Girls, do you see the hawk?”
(Nat and her friend played out in the backyard yesterday)
They watched it too-

Mom says, “oh, a hawk?”
i say, “oh yes, it’s very big!”
(feeling guilty for distracting away from talk of The House)

i can’t tell her, just can’t-
She won’t remember anyway...
why does it even matter?
i wonder...reflect
Days of sadness and tears...

Alzheimer’s Association reminds me...play in her sandbox.  Wherever she is, you are too.  Some days I don’t want to play in her sandbox-i distract her toward mine-but she always wins-ALWAYS. i go back to hers.

I know someday, I’ll miss her voice.
I’ll want to hear her again just like Dad...
But-she has me on edge
On edge

4 comments:

  1. Having watched my grandmother and my mother-in-law descending into dementia, I can so relate to this. You captured the range of emotions so well. One of the hardest things for me was when my grandmother spoke of people who'd passed long ago; I didn't want to say, no, they're gone. I didn't want her to keep losing them over and over. The stress is immense; your being on edge is natural. Strength to you each day, and to her. Your love will see you through.

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  2. My heart aches for you. I have been there and you will miss her voice. You are also mourning the loss of the mother you have known your whole life now. You miss your mom. You miss having a MOM. All feelings are fair game - no guilt. Keep visiting. Be her memory of joyous times. Let the girls be a part of that storytelling. Laugh. Cry. Scream. Just remember that you remember. Hang in there -- you've got this!
    Clare

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  3. As I read your Slice Amy I started thinking about my conversations with my mom in her last year when I knew she just put in the tape when I called. She was suffering from dementia. I started saying goodbye to her in that year... I too, loved to hear her voice. In the past few months I've been aching to pick up the phone and hear it again, so enjoy what you can.
    Bonnie K

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  4. Wow, thank you so much for being able to share this. I have not experienced anything like this, but I have tears because you capture what you are going through so powerfully. I wish you whatever you need to help you get through this time in your life. Keep writing because you really have a gift.

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